Dear Tax Paying Citizen of the United States of America,
Your Congress and White House Administration are hard at work! Here are some of the issues we have been debating and deciding on:
1. After much debate and consideration, we have decided to change the name of our country, and we would like you to know that you may write or email us with your own ideas for a new name, but that we won't actually read any of your suggestions, and we certainly won't take any of your own desires into account as we consider a new name. We just wanted to let you know that we are actually doing something here.
We tossed around several ideas, hoping that a new name will better reflect the current "mood" of our nation. "The United States" will soon be a superfluous term, as it is becoming more apparent that we are turning over the authority of this nation to labor unions. The name "The Unionized States of America" was bandied about, but was finally rejected as it wasn't quite on target in representing the type of nation we are happily evolving into.
The next suggestion, "The Unionized Statists of America" was nearly a perfect name, as it represents our union-centric central government, and it describes the type of government we are ascending to. Additionally, as everything becomes more nationalized, legislation on the state level will become more obsolete. Eventually, we will no longer need any states at all, so we decided using "Statists" was similar enough to "States" that most people would either not object or simply would not notice, as they are typically fixated on philandering celebrities and philandering politicians.
That name, however, was finally rejected when it was brought to our attention that the word "America" is actually an homage to a dead white guy. As a more appropriate homage to the new and improved multi-cultural divinity that we are, we felt it would be much more precise to honor the One man who has been the catalyst for all of our recent joyous accomplishments. We feel that you will surely agree with our decision, and that it will certainly make you feel good knowing we have chosen this path.
Therefore, the new name of our country shall henceforth be known as:
Your Congress and White House Administration are hard at work! Here are some of the issues we have been debating and deciding on:
1. After much debate and consideration, we have decided to change the name of our country, and we would like you to know that you may write or email us with your own ideas for a new name, but that we won't actually read any of your suggestions, and we certainly won't take any of your own desires into account as we consider a new name. We just wanted to let you know that we are actually doing something here.
We tossed around several ideas, hoping that a new name will better reflect the current "mood" of our nation. "The United States" will soon be a superfluous term, as it is becoming more apparent that we are turning over the authority of this nation to labor unions. The name "The Unionized States of America" was bandied about, but was finally rejected as it wasn't quite on target in representing the type of nation we are happily evolving into.
The next suggestion, "The Unionized Statists of America" was nearly a perfect name, as it represents our union-centric central government, and it describes the type of government we are ascending to. Additionally, as everything becomes more nationalized, legislation on the state level will become more obsolete. Eventually, we will no longer need any states at all, so we decided using "Statists" was similar enough to "States" that most people would either not object or simply would not notice, as they are typically fixated on philandering celebrities and philandering politicians.
That name, however, was finally rejected when it was brought to our attention that the word "America" is actually an homage to a dead white guy. As a more appropriate homage to the new and improved multi-cultural divinity that we are, we felt it would be much more precise to honor the One man who has been the catalyst for all of our recent joyous accomplishments. We feel that you will surely agree with our decision, and that it will certainly make you feel good knowing we have chosen this path.
Therefore, the new name of our country shall henceforth be known as:
"The Unionized Statists of Obama"
New coinage and bills are being printed bearing this new name as this letter is being dictated. All government stationary will now be imprinted with the new name and the new symbol for our nation.
2. It was also decided, unanimously, to replace the stars and stripes with our new symbol, which represents unity and Oneness with each other. New flags are being sent to all public and private schools, the Unionized Statists Post Offices, and state capitols (which will soon house federal offices for the millions of jobs the One created).
3. In the spirit of unity, your hard working Congress decreed today that there will no longer be a two party political system, as the only discernible difference between the two parties is the letter "D" and the letter "R." In order to reflect our more enlightened society, we have decided to adopt a new political party name: Utopicrat. All serving politicians will now have the letter "U" behind their name - not as a label, since that is no longer necessary, but as a symbol of our homogeneous Unity.
Over the next few months, you will be receiving occasional updates on the progress being made by your hard working Congressional members. We encourage you to keep apprised of new developments so that you will be prepared for the inevitable tax increases that will ensue.
Please, don't hesitate to not call our offices or send us emails, as we are more than happy to not have to take into consideration our "constituents" complaints or suggestions.
Thank you,
Your Hard Working Congress - U and the White House Administration - U
3. In the spirit of unity, your hard working Congress decreed today that there will no longer be a two party political system, as the only discernible difference between the two parties is the letter "D" and the letter "R." In order to reflect our more enlightened society, we have decided to adopt a new political party name: Utopicrat. All serving politicians will now have the letter "U" behind their name - not as a label, since that is no longer necessary, but as a symbol of our homogeneous Unity.
Over the next few months, you will be receiving occasional updates on the progress being made by your hard working Congressional members. We encourage you to keep apprised of new developments so that you will be prepared for the inevitable tax increases that will ensue.
Please, don't hesitate to not call our offices or send us emails, as we are more than happy to not have to take into consideration our "constituents" complaints or suggestions.
Thank you,
Your Hard Working Congress - U and the White House Administration - U
This sounds a lot like Newspeak in the novel "1984". You definitely should apply to the Ministry for a position.
ReplyDeletePerhaps we should reconsider a Confederate States of America for those who don't want to be part of the USO or members of the Utopiacrap party.
Great blog - hope more people read your work.
Thanks for the read! Yes, maybe it's time to divide the country into definitive red and blue areas - sort of like Northern Ireland. I like your term: "Utopiacrap."
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