The Really Real News - TRRN

In today's headlines (insert "dit dit dit dot dot dot" teletype sound)....

• It has been learned that the Iranian people who are protesting the rigged election are just as likely to blow up Israel as the current Mullah regime. President B. Hussein Obama issued the following statement regarding the protests: "Present."

• Obama is attempting to rush through his nationalized health care proposal in order to secure the country's guaranteed transition into socialism and tyranny. His slogan for nationalized health care, "It'll be free! Really!" is receiving unexpected accolades from the public. Upon release of the new slogan, Obama's approval rating hit an all-time high of 66.6%.

• Sonia Sotomayor confesses to being a white male bashing sexist/racist. She adds "My own biases as a wise Latina woman are justified based upon the fact that I am a wise Latina woman who is a wise Latina woman and is wiser than non-Latina women and white men."

• The union that represents comics, The American Association of Hilarious and Funny People, or AAHFP, issued a statement today condemning David Letterman's recent crude remarks about Alaskan governor Sarah Palin and her daughter(s). In the statement, the union denounces Letterman as a comic, saying "It is the consensus of this union that David Letterman has never been funny. We are taking expulsion requests from women's groups under advisement. Meanwhile, we have recommended Letterman join the Wash-ups and Has-Beens Union (WUHBU).
  

• Bill Maher, in an unprecedented moment of clarity, berated President Barrack Hussein Obama during his monologue last night. It was later found that he had suffered the vapors and was revived with an ammonium tablet. Upon regaining consciousness, Maher burst into tears and expressed great remorse for his harsh rant against B. Hussein. It was learned that Maher was later contacted by WUHBU who offered Maher an application for membership.



• ABC is now the official Pravda of the B. Hussein Obama administration. Charles Gibson has changed his name to "The Mouth of Sauron." They will broadcast from the White House as President Hussein discusses our current health care emergency disaster crisis tragedy urgent situation catastrophe calamity predicament debacle.

• The Global Warming Constituency has changed their name to The Climate Change Constituency, due to the apparent changes that are happening in the climate around the world. Their press release expressed concern about the variations in temperature throughout the year.

• In a graph issued by the CCC, global temperatures above the equator are shown to fluctuate from severe cold in January and February, with the temperature slowly rising throughout March and April - which incidentally brings rain showers - then continuing to rise through May (when flowers begin appearing), June, July and reaching its peak in August. Some regions experience prolonged warmness in September, which is said to be influenced by Native Americans. The chart shows temperatures beginning to cool in October and November, with the chance for snow as temperatures decrease throughout December, when Jack Frost begins nipping at one's nose. The dire consequences of this type of fluctuation has alarmed the scientists at the CCC, who are issuing a "Save the Earth from Fluctuating Temperatures!" alert.

• In another press release, the CCC has requested a hearing before a congressional panel to explore the possibility of prohibiting breathing by all human and animal forms on earth, as the emission of breath increases dangerous unsafe hazardous risky perilous harmful treacherous CO2 levels. The CCC added that gaseous emissions by human and animal forms contribute exponentially to climate change and gagging.